Episode 15 - What to do when it’s not fair
Full Transcript
Welcome to the managing your smart mind podcast with me, Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
This week, we’re diving into something that almost ALL smart humans I have met struggle with: injustice.
It seems to be almost hardwired into our smart minds - we find it unbearable to witness, perpetrate or be subject to injustice.
Now I want to start off by saying that I think that this is a great thing. I love having a moral compass, and I love that you do too - I think the world is better for it.
But what I see with a lot of my clients is that instead of empowering them to create a better world, their sense of justice becomes a handicap.
It causes them a lot of stress, anger, and sometimes even leads to burnout.
And it totally gets in the way of them creating the positive change they want to see at work, in their community or in the world at large.
This could apply to you if you regularly have thoughts like:
“This isn’t right.”
“This isn’t fair.”
“This is outrageous.”
“I can’t believe he/she got away with this.”
Or along those lines.
This tends to be triggered especially at work, in situations like these:
People being manipulative
Bureaucratic demands being imposed upon you
People not keeping their promises
People claiming credit for other people’s work
Management setting impossible demands
People taking advantage of the system (freeriders)
But of course it can also come out in more mundane situations like:
Someone stealing your parking spot
Someone talking about you behind your back
People jumping the queue
A customer service agent asking you to repeat your question for the seventeenth time
And so on.
I think we all experience situations like these where we feel we’re not being treated fairly, and this can trigger a very strong response.
Now if your only ‘problem’ is that you prefer for these things not to happen - fine. Then you are probably able to accept, address the issue at hand if possible, and move on fairly quickly. Good for you!
But if these perceived injustices get you sucked into a whirlpool of frustration and anger, you have some work to do.
And don’t worry, I don’t mean you have to change your values, although you may want to make them less absolute.
I also don’t mean that you have to stay in toxic environments. If that is the situation you’re in you need to devise an exit strategy rather than work on your anger.
But in most cases things aren’t so extreme - and it can make a massive difference to change your perspective.
Why? So you:
Waste less energy on getting mad
Can keep a clear head to devise an effective strategy
Are able to take appropriate action.
Here’s an example.
Let’s say that in order to complete a project, you have to jump through several very boring, cumbersome, and, in your eyes, futile bureaucratic hoops.
Hoops that make life more difficult for you, for your team, maybe even for your clients.
Every time you think about it, and about what you could do with your precious time instead, you get annoyed.
You constantly remind yourself - and maybe also your colleagues - how stupid it all is, how useless etc.
You’re spending tremendous amounts of time and energy on THINKING AND TALKING ABOUT something that you believe to be unfair, unjust, or just plain stupid.
Without actually changing anything.
Now who’s being stupid?
You.
You’re giving all your precious power away - instead of harnessing it for something that makes your life better or, at least, easier.
I want you to stop doing that.
It’s one of the worst ways to try and make the world a better place.
Yes, you get to occupy the moral high ground - and in a perfectly rational world you are probably right.
But look at the price you pay for being right.
Frustration, increased blood pressure, constantly thinking aggravating thought loops, massive energy leaks, etc.
I don’t think that’s a good deal at all.
I have a better one for you.
One that involves becoming more flexible in your thinking.
Not to let people off the hook, but so YOU can have it easier and get more done.
Let’s break down the false assumptions on which you are building your anger and frustration.
1. The assumption that people are rational agents who will always act with the greater good in mind
Ha. If only.
We’re talking humans here.
They tend to want to take shortcuts.
They sometimes lie, cheat, and manipulate.
They may just be having a bad day, week or month - and taking it out on the rest of the world.
Messy humans.
Imperfect humans.
Sometimes they will surprise you in a good way.
Sometimes it will be the opposite.
I would suggest you allow for both.
Assume that humans will ‘human’.
As in: sometimes be selfish, lazy, dishonest.
It will save you a lot of disappointment.
(And if you now think: but I can’t work with people who are bad, then you may want to check out the podcast episodes on Black and White thinking, because things are never that clear cut.)
2. The assumption that you know what is fairest - for everyone
Yes, whatever you perceive as unjust is massively unfair - in YOUR universe.
With YOUR rules.
But how can you know that you know what is best, most fair, most just?
What’s fair for you, with your smart mind, your abilities, your background, may not be fair at all for someone with a completely different background.
Someone who experiences the world in a completely different way, has different motivations, etc.
So no, you cannot 100% know what is fair.
All you can do is try to meet everyone in the messy middle.
Now when you let go of these two assumptions, the idea of humans being perfectly rational beings who always strive for the greater good, and the idea that you know best, what are you left with?
An open, curious mind.
You can start wondering:
‘Why is my CFO acting in this way?’
‘What does this bureaucrat need - and how can I provide it?’
‘What is really happening here?’
And ‘What can I personally do about it?’
Again, you may not be able to redesign the world to your personal ideal - you’ll probably end up somewhere in the middle.
But if you manage this without anger and frustration, you will be so much more effective.
Not to mention all the energy you’ll get to retain for doing stuff that massively matters to you.
It’s so much more satisfying and healthy to take constructive steps - however small - than to be stuck in frustration.
So next time you notice yourself getting mad because something is not fair, take a deep breath.
Don’t immediately try to fix it, allow the feeling to be there.
You can say something like:
“I would much prefer for this to be different.”
“I really don’t like this.”
Or whatever feels true to you in the situation.
Feel the frustration or anger, don’t push it away - just let it move through you.
It will pass.
And after it has, ask:
What is the most constructive way for me to take action here?
I guarantee that if you do this not only will you FEEL much better - you’ll also get much better results in your fight against injustice.
I can help you get incredibly good at this. If that's something you want, let’s talk. You can reach out to me via my website, coachkramer.org, or send me a message on LinkedIn for a free first consult.
Thank you for listening, and a big shoutout to everyone who has been sharing the podcast, it’s been growing like crazy, thank you so much for spreading the word. We now have listeners in a whopping 47 different countries, which is so cool - and I can’t wait to reach more humans with smart minds all over the world.
If there is a specific topic you’d love to see covered on this podcast, or someone you’d love to see interviewed, please let me know on: podcast@elsekramer.com.
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