Episode 26 - Perfect Student Syndrome
In this week's Episode I take a look at something that plagues a lot of smart humans: Perfect Student Syndrome.
Unmanaged 'PSS' can result in massive anxiety, exhaustion as well as boredom and feeling trapped.
You'll learn how being praised for being smart as a child can encourage you to use being the perfect student as a coping mechanism. One that works - but it comes at a high cost.
I look at how this then shows up in adulthood, as well as the steps you can take to overcome it - to become a free, frequently failing human being again.
I also look at how Perfect Student Syndrome can show up in coaching/mentoring/teaching relationships. If your client is trying to be perfect they stop showing up as their true selves - and you both lose.
Full Episode Text
Episode 26 - Perfect Student Syndrome
Welcome to this episode of the managing the smart mind podcast with Master Certified Coach Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
I’m back at work after my dance with Covid to talk about the Perfect Student Syndrome. This is often referred to as the Excellent Student Syndrome but, as a former sufferer, that just doesn’t sit right with me. I didn’t just want to be an excellent student - I wanted to be perfect.
If you suffer from the Perfect Student Syndrome, odds are that you have low self-confidence, high fear of failure, and a pattern of people-pleasing.
In today’s Episode you’ll learn what it is - so you can check whether you have it too, where it comes from, and what you can do to overcome it.
I’ll also talk about how it shows up in coaching and mentoring relationships - and why it’s important that as a coach or mentor you’re aware of this, and how you can, together with your client, break the pattern.
What is the Perfect Student Syndrome?
It’s the underlying belief that your performance/achievement determines your worth and that you need to always be the best to feel safe.
Let me say that again, slightly differently.
Someone with perfect student syndrome believes, deep down inside - it may not even be a conscious belief, that if they don’t get the highest possible grade, award, or result, they have failed and are worthless.
As a result, they will try to figure out exactly what they need to do to ‘pass the test’ (whether that is an actual test, a course, a project or even a career) and then work themselves to the bone to comply with the requirements.
Perfect Student Syndrome usually originates in childhood - and a lot of smart humans suffer from it.
This is probably because smart kids tend to be praised a lot for their smartness, their abilities to get high grades. If this isn’t complemented with appreciation of who they ARE, rather than what they achieve, this can lead to PSS.
Because this is an easy way to get adult approval, it can also feel like one of the few tools smart kids have to control their lives - this is an area where they at least have some power.
Uncorrected, this can lead to underlying beliefs like:
Love is conditional upon my achievements
I always need to be the best
It’s not safe for me to fail
Perfect Student Syndrome then becomes a coping strategy to feel safe, worthy and in control. If only!
How it manifests in smart adults
With smart adults, Perfect Student Syndrome kicks into action whenever they’re in a new situation.
It could be a course, a new job, a new project - even a workshop.
In no time, the smart adult brain will calculate what it needs to do to gain approval from the teacher, manager, peers, or client.
And the smart adult will proceed to push themselves to deliver exactly that - never even questioning whether this is the best course of action in this particular situation.
The negative side-effects?
A constant feeling of pressure, of having to perform, usually resulting in anxiety.
A lack of self-trust and self-worth, because it is always conditional on performance, and thus can be lost in an instant.
Boredom, a sense of feeling trapped and eventually despair - because it’s always the most obvious, predictable path that has to be taken.
Constant people-pleasing instead of being true to one’s own self.
Ouch.
And what’s worse - it can also interfere with relationships that are meant to help you.
How PSS shows up in coaching and mentoring relationships
If you’re a coach or mentor, PSS is something you want to look out for - especially if you work with smart humans.
They are going to want to impress you - and you are going to LIKE being impressed, after all, who doesn’t like a good student?
But this can seriously disturb your relationship because it will preclude your client or mentee from bringing anything they’re really struggling with to your sessions.
Instead, they will show you how quickly they’re ‘getting’ everything, how incredibly fast their ‘progress’ is, and will tell you how amazing you are as a coach or mentor.
Of course, it’s fine if this happens once in a while, but if most sessions are like this, then your client or mentee is performing for you, rather than bringing their true self - and this is something you must address or you will both end up living in la-la-land.
How to overcome Perfect Student Syndrome
First, you want to start noticing when your PSS starts ‘flaring up’ - and get really curious.
What in that situation is causing you to want to be perfect?
What kind of external validation are you looking for?
And how could you give that validation to yourself?
Second, a massive part of overcoming fear of failure and perfectionism is learning to feel uncomfortable emotions. You can slowly stretch your capacity to do this through, for example, moving from A+ via A- to B- work, noticing how you feel, and staying with the emotion instead of moving away from it.
A big part of this is showing your nervous system that it’s OK for you to fail. To not be perfect.
That means creating a lot of safety, for example through somatic practice, around showing up imperfectly. A good coach or therapist can help you with this.
You overcome Perfect Student Syndrome by intentionally becoming an Imperfect Student.
That may sound horrible - and yes, it’s not easy, but it’s actually the only way you can actually stretch yourself and grow.
If you just doing what you already know, you’ll never really learn something new.
And deep down, inside, that is exactly what you yearn for.
So start noticing where you slip into perfectionism - and try to slip right back out of it.
You may feel scared in the moment - but you will experience so much less pressure and anxiety in your daily life that it is a 100% worth it.
Have an amazing, imperfect week!
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Would you like help with overcoming your Perfect Student Syndrome? DM me on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook to learn how you can work with me, or send me an email via podcast@elsekramer.com.
Thank you for listening to the Managing the Smart Mind Podcast, I love that at the time of recording this there are listeners in 68 countries! I am waving at all of you!