Episode 10 - Frustration As Fuel
A lot of smart humans experience frustration.
Whether it's at work, in daily interactions with other humans, or about the way way organise things on this planet - both at a macro and a micro level.
In this week's podcast I dive into frustration, how it can lead to stress (and eventually burnout), and how it disempowers us.
But you can also use it as a fuel for positive change - in fact, most of my crazy career has been driven by frustration.
Tune in to listen how you can change your thinking about frustration, and use it as a force for good.
Resources
Full Episode Transcript
Welcome to the managing your smart mind podcast with me, Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
This week we’re looking at something a lot of smart people experience in their lives: frustration.
Frustration about other people.
Frustration about meetings.
Frustration about customer service (or lack thereof).
Frustration about office politics.
Frustration about perceived injustices.
Frustration about bureaucracy.
Frustration about the way things are organized.
Frustration about the lack of hours in a day.
Think of the last time you contacted the customer service of a big bureaucratic organization.
How powerless you felt having to wade through all the menu options, explain your problem to an agent, being patched through to a different agent, only to hear, 20 minutes in, that your problem can only be solved by registered mail.
Or the endless meetings you’ve had, where you already knew the exact outcome ahead of time. X is going to object for a while, then give in and use this as leverage to push his own agenda. Y will come out in support but only because she needs to be seen to do so. And so on and so forth.
So. Fucking. Frustrating.
Energy draining.
Exhausting.
And you may believe that there is nothing you can do about this - that these are things that aren’t within your power to change.
Now I’m here to tell you that there IS something you can do about it that is insanely freeing and a massive energy saver.
But first, some fundamentals.
What exactly IS frustration?
Merriam-Webster defines being frustrated as "feeling discouragement, anger, and annoyance because of unresolved problems or unfulfilled goals, desires, or needs."
WebMD has an even more cheerful entry:
“The definition of frustration is the feeling of irritability or anger because of the inability to achieve something. Being in a constant state of frustration can lead to many problems in your life.
If you continue pursuing a goal without any result, the frustration you feel can lead to other emotions that affect your well-being and mental health, such as:
Loss of confidence
Stress
Anger
Aggressive behavior
Irritability
Depression”
Looking at this, it becomes quite obvious how untamed frustration can eventually lead to burnout.
You feel like Sisyphus, rolling the rock up the hill every day only to be back at square one the next.
And it isn’t even the rolling in itself that is so frustrating - it’s the knowledge that it is completely, and utterly futile.
Which leads me to my own, slightly different, definition of frustration.
Frustration = an emotional reaction to perceived powerlessness.
Let me repeat that.
Frustration is not a primary emotion, but an emotional reaction to PERCEIVED powerlessness.
Now I am not denying how utterly powerless you can feel, for example when trying to open a bank account in a foreign country (usually you need an address, but you can only rent or buy a property if you have a bank account, well, you can see how this is problematic).
And there are many times when we are not in control of the circumstances that cause our frustration.
But we ARE in control of how we think about those circumstances.
That is where our power lies.
To quote Victor Frankl:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
We perceive ourselves as powerless, but we can actually CHOOSE our attitude.
The way we frame the circumstances.
Now as a smart human, I have a long history of being frustrated with the way things are organized in businesses, at events, even theme parks.
Everywhere I go I see so many ways that would massively improve effectiveness, customer experience, etc.
And the same goes for most humans with smart minds.
This can play out in two ways.
Either you can decide that this is insufferable, that you’re surrounded by idiots, that this is not the way to run a business, theme park, or PTA.
In other words: you can get incredibly frustrated and then exhaust yourself by repeating over and over in you mind how stupid everything is.
When put like that, it doesn’t seem such a great choice - yet a lot of people go down this path.
They get really mad - and change nothing.
Probably because they’re not aware of the other option they have:
Reframing their thoughts - and using their frustration in a positive way.
So what does a more constructive way of looking at frustration look like?
Sometimes, frustration is simply a reminder that you need to make a decision.
For example, to decide whether this thing that bugs you so much is worth your precious energy.
You want to pick your battles.
You want to actively decide, or redecide, what organizations you give your time and energy to.
Do you really want to get that 10 pound refund that you’re entitled to if it’s going to cost you at least three times that amount when it comes to time/energy cost?
If being on the board of that local charity drives you nuts then both you and the charity are probably better off with you just donating cash.
And if you are very frustrated at work, you want to decide which one it’s going to be: are you going to accept the things you don’t like, at least for the time being?
Or is this where you put a line in the sand and go look for another job?
Whichever way you decide is better than getting mired in frustration, and eventually, burnout.
Also: when you hate everything about your place of work you’re not a great coworker to be around. Just sayin’.
So when you feel a lot of frustration, ask yourself: do I need to make a decision here? And if so, make it and stick with it.
But it can be even better.
You can use frustration not just as a reminder to make a decision, but as fuel for positive change.
And this is where I’m going to tell you a little bit about my background - because most of my life has been shaped around using frustration as fuel for change.
I left my hometown of Haarlem in Holland at the age of 17 because I was so frustrated by the lack of opportunities to learn and grow that were available to me at that time, and made one of the best decisions ever: to go study in London.
After years of having different kinds of jobs, I decided to quit my well-paying corporate job and create a vacuum, because I was so frustrated with what I now describe as my work being the answer to somebody else’s question - instead of my own.
I built a successful photography business, and then got frustrated by the massive amount of money people were spending on the then relatively new digital cameras, only to take very crappy pictures.
Which launched my very successful online teaching career.
I was immensely frustrated by the way people shared pictures online without fact checking them - which resulted in a collaboration with the Dutch National Archives where we educated the general public on how to lie with photographs.
And when I found out how many gifted people are struggling, like I was, I decided to discontinue my existing business and work full-time to help them change their lives.
Which is why you’re listening to this podcast right now.
Frustration as fuel for positive change.
Now in all those situations I could have just got frustrated, and left it at that.
But I realized that even though I may have seemed powerless, I wouldn’t know for sure until I at least gave it a try.
I used the energy of my frustration (yet another crappy picture taken with a very expensive digital camera, yet another fake photo shared on Twitter around some breaking news, yet another high IQ human I met who was struggling) as fuel for change.
You can do the same.
You really can be the change you want to see.
Even better: it can lead you on an amazing journey, like what happened to me.
By following my frustration, I got to work with collaborative partners so fun I couldn’t have dreamt it up to begin with, like creating a selfie course around an exhibition of 17th century portraiture.
And you can too.
But you have to be willing to step out of your perceived powerlessness.
Right now.
So here’s what you CAN do.
Make a list of at least ten things that massively frustrate you.
These could be anything.
The local council parking policy.
The amount of reporting you have to do for your project.
Unequal distribution of wealth.
A lack of public toilets for women.
Ocean plastic.
And then go through these questions for all of them.
Is it possible to change the thing that frustrates you?
If your answer is ‘no, at least not right now’, then ask yourself:
How can I step out of my perceived powerlessness?
How can I reframe the situation in a way that serves me?
Instead of thinking:
“This company is run by complete morons”
Try something like
“This doesn’t make sense to me - and that’s OK.”
Or:
“Different people, different brains, different ways of doing things.”
And please note that this is not where you simply lie to yourself, your brain won’t buy that shit. It needs to be a different perspective that you can also buy into, without a lot of effort.
OK. Let’s say you decide you CAN change the thing you’re frustrated about.
First ask: is it worth the time and effort?
If not, reframe it in a way that eliminates or at least massively reduces your frustration.
If yes: bloody go and do it already.
Use your frustration as FUEL to be the change you want to see.
If you want to learn to manage emotions like frustration in a way that works FOR you, rather than against you, I’d like to invite you to work with me.
Reach out via my website, coachkramer.org, or send me a message on LinkedIn to learn how we can work together.
That’s it for this week! Enjoy King’s Day, if you’re celebrating, and if you’re not: find something even better to celebrate!
If there is a specific topic you’d love to see covered on this podcast, or someone you’d love to see interviewed, please let me know on: podcast@elsekramer.com.
And if you liked this episode I’d love for you to leave a review so more people can find the podcast and learn to manage their smart mind.