Episode 12 - Black and White Thinking - Part 1
This week I dive into something that plagues all of us: Black and White thinking.
In this first part, I explain what it is, why we do it, and how it can start sabotaging our lives when it isn't kept in check.
I talk about how it can affect our thinking about our identity, take us from a growth into a fixed mindset, and cause perfectionist paralysis, amongst many other things.
At the end of the Episode I give you some tools and suggestions on how to find those pesky black and white thoughts that colour our perception - because it can be quite hard to catch them.
Resources
Full Episode Transcript
Welcome to the managing your smart mind podcast with me, Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
As you may have noticed, I like to keep the podcast packed with information and relatively short. My own neurodivergent brain has a very short attention span and little patience for fluff. Also: many of the concepts I introduce here are much easier to grasp after hearing about them repeatedly.
Making the episodes long and fluffy would definitely interfere with that - your brain would simply get too bored.
Which means that this week, because I have so much to teach you about black and white thinking, I’ve broken the podcast up in two episodes. In this first part I will talk about what black & white thinking is, and how it can show up in your life.
In the second one I’ll give you three tools to help you get rid of those black and white thoughts that aren’t serving you.
So, what is it? This black and white thinking?
Also known as binary thinking, all or nothing thinking, polarized or dichotomous thinking?
It’s thinking in extremes, in polar opposites, either/or.
I’ll give you some examples of binary thoughts:
“He is perfect.”
“This is never going to work.”
“She’s always late.”
“I’m never going to learn this.”
When you are thinking this way, you won’t be able to see the messy gray zones in between. The place where we actually live - despite what social media and advertising try to make us believe.
Life, unlike logic, is never black & white.
Please know that all of us do this. I’ve been working on my mind for years, I’m a master certified coach, and still unintentionally do it.
In fact, I got coached yesterday on my thoughts about LinkedIn. One of my thoughts was ‘It’s impossible to keep up’ and I really, deeply believed that thought. Until my coach pointed out that this was black and white thinking, which made me laugh so hard because I had been working on this podcast all day, and still didn’t see it. This is why I love getting coached - I need a pair of extra eyes on my brain.
So we all do it, and there is a reason our brain WANTS to do it.
We are constantly bombarded by input from our senses as well as our own thoughts - and our brain needs to process all that stuff without melting down.
The world is not only messy, it’s also pretty overwhelming.
Which is why our brain has learned to break down the world in simple categories.
As we grow up our smart mind learns to neatly file events, things and people into categories.
Friend or foe.
Success or failure.
Edible or poisonous.
This helps us tmake decisions in the moment, without having to deliberate. Instead of thinking: hm, oversized feline creatures with spots and large teeth, what should I do? We think: TIGERS! RUN! Or at least that is what I like to imagine - I’d probably just faint on the spot.
Our brain needs to quickly sort our sensory input so we can make decisions, manage our experiences and maintain a semblance of order.
Black-and-white thinking is essential for this sorting process, and thus for our brain to function well.
OK. Great.
But.
There’s always a but, isn’t there.
When we start taking it too far, our lives get very difficult.
Extreme black and white thinking causes cognitive distortion, which can result in, amongst other things, anxiety and depression.
Cognitive distortion, or bias, happens when the thoughts you repeatedly think distort your experience of reality.
When you indulge in black and white thinking, you start to SEE the world in black and white.
Either people are angels, or they’re evil and out to get you.
Either you succeed at life, or you fail.
Either you are a perfect partner, or a lousy one.
Now you may be thinking ‘Well that’s a bit extreme, I’m don’t think like that at all!’
But consider these sentences, some of which you’ve probably uttered at some stage in your life.
‘There is no way to solve this problem.’
‘Social media are evil.’
‘I’m never going to figure this out.’
‘Rich people are bad.’
‘This is a disaster.’
‘There’s nothing I can do.’
‘I can’t stick with anything.’
These are all examples of black and white thinking and will very quickly get you from a growth into a fixed mindset.
Thinking in extremes will make it very hard for you to find solutions to problems, or to make any significant changes in your life.
It quickly kills all creativity.
When thinking in extremes, your brain filters out anything that doesn’t fit the storyline - creating that cognitive distortion or bias.
If a good thing happens, you dismiss it.
If something works, you decide it’s just a fluke.
If someone treats you with kindness, you become suspicious.
Your reality becomes distorted by polarized thoughts that leave no room for nuance.
It should come as no surprise that if this happens in your head for a prolonged period of time you are likely to become anxious, depressed, or both.
Your brain is filtering out ALL the good stuff that lives in the middle - so you think it’s no longer there.
It can also be a real confidence killer.
If your brain has decided you suck at something, it undermines your confidence and turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You create a negative reinforcement spiral.
Let’s say you want to learn a new thing, like fencing or origami, but have an underlying belief it’s never going to work.
You try it half-assed because you think you suck anyway.
Then you notice all the ways in which you’re not doing it perfectly. Of which there are plenty because, hey, it’s something you haven’t done before.
You then judge yourself for your perceived failure.
You feel even less confident.
And the next time you try it, you find even more ways in which you suck, your confidence decreases further, etc.
Until you have, you think ALL the evidence that you will NEVER, ever be able to do this.
So not only can black and white thinking put you in a fixed mindset and kill your confidence - there’s more.
Because it makes us believe that change is impossible, black and white thinking tends to paralyse us.
I’ll give you some examples of how this can show up.
You may have been thinking about changing your job, or even careers. But your brain believes that ‘work is always going to be boring and exhausting, no matter where you go’. So why bother?
You want to lose some weight, but tell yourself that it’s going to be impossible to keep it off. So what’s the point?
You want to make a shit ton of money, but your brain believes that rich people are evil. So you steer yourself away towards other goals.
I’ll talk more about what you can do to counteract this later, but first let's look at another area where all or nothing thinking can really mess with you: your identity.
When you believe your identity is either/or, you set yourself up for a lot of anguish and stress.
If you view yourself as a collection of binary characteristics, you are in for a rough ride my friend.
When you believe that either you’re smart or you’re stupid.
You’re successful or a failure.
You’re a good person - or bad.
Life becomes VERY intense.
Because the world is going to make you think you’re stupid sometimes.
You’re going to fail.
And you’re going to do things which, in hindsight, you’re not very proud of.
You’re HUMAN.
You’re on a messy planet, with a messy brain, living a messy life.
You are not defined by the labels you - or other people - want to attach to your being.
You are just you.
Sometimes you fail.
Sometimes you succeed.
Sometimes you’re disciplined.
Sometimes you’re lazy.
Sometimes you’re considerate.
Sometimes you’re a bit of a dick.
You can show up in a myriad of ways - and not make it mean anything about your value or character.
So stop thinking about yourself in absolutes.
If that’s all you take away from this week’s podcast, you will make me very happy - that in itself can be life-changing.
Now let’s move from you to the world outside you.
Again, black and white thinking can keep us stuck here in a place we really don’t want to be.
It keeps us stuck in a place we definitely don’t want to be.
Hating our colleagues.
Not making enough money.
Being angry about injustice - without taking any action.
It makes us believe we’re helpless, powerless victims of circumstance.
It tells us to just shut up and suck up, because things are never going to change.
And many of us do.
We complain a little, we may even dream about the other extreme - for example living a blissful life in some tropical location whilst money magically appears into our bank account.
But because this is just a perfectionist fantasy (life is never going to be blissful 100% of the time), we just revert back to what we always do - and being miserable about it.
This way of thinking keeps us stuck in perfectionist paralysis.
This is your unmanaged mind wanting you to avoid taking risks and presenting only two options.
Do NOT buy into it - there is at least a third, and usually many, many more.
Now you know that black and white thinking hurts your confidence, your capacity for change, and makes you see the world through a very negative lens, what can you do to change it?
As always: start with awareness.
Start paying attention to thoughts you repeat throughout the day.
Watch for sweeping statements.
Are you using absolutes, like ‘always’,, ‘never’, ‘impossible’, ‘complete’, ‘total’?
Then you’re probably indulging in black and white thinking.
And if you find it hard to keep track of your thoughts you can also use another tool, which is incredibly powerful in itself: do a thought download.
Grab a piece of paper and write down what you believe.
About yourself, the world, other people.
Then check for blanket statements, absolutes and perfectionist fantasies.
Once you’ve uncovered your black and white thinking patterns you want to start changing them - and that’s what we’re going to do in the next episode.
But before I go, a little bit more about my work.
I get a lot of questions about what I do as a coach - what does it look like to work with me, how do I help people, etc.
This episode is a great example of one of the most important work I do:
I help people uncover, and then change thought patterns that sabotage them.
Rather than addressing the symptoms of their problems (which can range from being discontented with life to burnout, overeating, overdrinking, etc.) - I help them address and then solve the root cause. It’s insanely effective, although not easy.
If that is something you’re interested in, reach out via my website, coachkramer.org, or send me a message on LinkedIn to learn how we can work together.
That’s it for this week! Enjoy King’s Day, if you’re celebrating, and if you’re not: find something even better to celebrate!
If there is a specific topic you’d love to see covered on this podcast, or someone you’d love to see interviewed, please let me know on: podcast@elsekramer.com.
And if you liked this episode I’d love for you to leave a review so more people can find the podcast and learn to manage their smart mind.