Episode 13 - Black and White Thinking - Part 2
In this second Episode on Black and White thinking I dive into three tools that can help you counter it. If you haven't listened to the previous Episode do check that out first, because will refer back to several concepts I explain there.
The tools I introduce are:
Modifying your language
Thought diffusion
Breaking things up
I give you lots of examples on how to use these and apply them to your own black and white thinking.
They are all surprisingly simple yet incredibly effective - so give them a try and let me know how it goes!
Resources
Full Episode Transcript
Welcome to the managing your smart mind podcast with me, Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
This is part 2 of my series on Black and White thinking - if you haven’t listened to the previous episode yet I strongly recommend that you check that out first.
In the last Episode I explained why our brain likes to think in extremes, how it does actually serve us, and also how it can lead to cognitive distortion, perfectionist paralysis, negative confidence spirals, etc.
I also suggested a couple of ways to increase awareness of your own black and white thoughts.
This Episode is all about the next step: changing them.
I’m going to share three techniques with you that will help you get rid of all or nothing thinking in different areas of your life.
Changing your language
The first one is looking at your language and simply changing it from being binary to being inclusive.
It can be as simple as adding an extra sentence starting with ‘AND’.
Sometimes your loved one forgets something that is massively important to you.
They can be forgetful - AND love you.
‘My partner forgot my birthday. And I know they love me.’
This is where you join opposites that, according to your brain, simply aren’t allowed to co-exist.
Seemingly opposing sentences can be true at the same time - the more you open your mind to that, the more you will be able to be in that space between black and white.
Sometimes you deeply regret a comment you made. AND you are still a wonderful human being.
‘I shouldn’t have said that. And I can still love myself.’
Here’s another example. Instead of:
I made a mistake. So I’m an idiot.
You could think: I made a mistake. And I’m learning from it.
Notice the difference? It’s massive.
Whenever you notice words like:
Never
Impossible
Always
Total/Complete
Failure/Disaster
Perfect
Should/Ought to
Try modifying them, using words and phrases like ‘sometimes’, ‘I’m open to’, ‘There are ways in which’, etc.
So ‘This is a total disaster’ could become:
‘There are ways in which this sucks.’
Notice the difference? You’re not gaslighting yourself, but you’re not going to the extreme either.
OK. ready for the second technique?
Here it comes:
Thought diffusion
This is an incredibly simple and effective technique, which is actually very similar to what we do in meditation and mindfulness training, where we learn to let go of attachment to our thoughts and emotions.
When, for example, you notice that you think:
“This is never going to work” you change it to:
“I’m having the thought that this is never going to work.”
It sounds so simple, but it opens up so much space in your mind.
“I’m never going to figure out what to do with my life” can become
“I’m thinking that I’m never going to figure out what to do with my life.”
“My manager is such an idiot.”
“I’m thinking that my manager is such an idiot.”
This takes you out of helplessness and gives you your power back. Now that you realise you’re thinking this, you can become curious.
Is this an absolute truth?
Does it serve you to believe it?
What more nuanced version could you think instead?
So we have two tools: changing your language, and thought diffusion, both of which are incredibly easy and helpful.
Breaking up the absolutes
Here’s a third tool - which is especially effective when it comes to changing from a fixed to a growth mindset: breaking it up.
The all-or-nothing perfectionist fantasies make your goals impossible and get you stuck in perfectionist paralysis, as I talked about in the last podcast.
So you need to start breaking them up.
Instead of indulging in thinking about the perfect job, body, partner, house, start thinking about tiny steps.
Ask yourself:
What are some small steps I could take towards feeling better in my body?
What are some small steps I could take towards a better job?
What are some small steps I could take towards decluttering the attic?
And so on.
This way your brain is forced to replace the perfectionist paralysis with realistic steps that you can actually take.
The result: you feel empowered, instead of powerless (and of course you then do have to take them, but that’s for another podcast).
And the flip side of this is celebrating your accomplishments. Now if this makes you cringe you want to check out podcast Episode 10, ‘Why celebrating is essential for your mental health’.
This technique is similar to breaking up your fantasies in small parts so they become real and doable.
The difference is that here we destroy your all or nothing thinking by showing your brain all the small ways in which you are showing up, doing the work, being amazing.
Seriously, if you use only this technique for the next 30 days, by simply writing down at least 10 things you accomplished at the end of every day, it is going to completely change your self-esteem - and thus your life.
And remember: this is not about massive achievements and accolades.
It can read something like:
Bathed my child.
Made the deadline on my report.
Went for a walk.
Stopped doomscrolloing after five minutes
Reached out to my friend.
Ate a healthy lunch.
Didn’t get angry whilst talking to customer service.
Spent 20 minutes reading.
Etc.
Your brain tends to ignore all these daily accomplishments because it has set the bar high, high in the sky where you can never reach it unless you learn to fly AND bend time and space (although if you can do the latter then maybe that technically implies that you are able to fly).
You have to actively remind it of all the amazing stuff you’re doing on a daily basis.
Ok. so we have
celebrating your accomplishments on a daily basis,
breaking up up your goals into something doable rather than perfectionist fantasies,
diffusing your thoughts and
changing your language.
That should give you plenty of tools to weed out the black and white thoughts that are holding you back from having a real human life.
Go play with them - and remember you don’t need to like, use and master them all. That’s just more black and white thinking.
Pick one that appeals to you and start playing with it with a curious mind.
Start tackling those all or nothing thoughts - and notice how your feelings change as you free yourself up to be a messy human in a messy world.
Managing your mind to change the way you feel, and then act, is a massive part of what I do with my clients. It’s so incredibly empowering - and one of the best ways to spend your time (although I have to say I’m also partial to naps).
If that is something you’re interested in, let’s talk. You can reach out via my website, coachkramer.org, or send me a message on LinkedIn to learn how we can work together.
That’s it for this week! Enjoy King’s Day, if you’re celebrating, and if you’re not: find something even better to celebrate!
If there is a specific topic you’d love to see covered on this podcast, or someone you’d love to see interviewed, please let me know on: podcast@elsekramer.com.
And if you liked this episode I’d love for you to leave a review so more people can find the podcast and learn to manage their smart mind.