Episode 19 - Honouring the Need to be Alone
This week I look at something that is often stigmatised: smart people's need to be alone.
Society tends to frown upon this - especially if you're a woman - and you may have internalised this and feel guilty about your desire to spend time on your own.
In this Episode I cover:
How and why the desire to be alone is often stigmatised;
why smart people often need more alone time;
how to figure out whether you’re avoiding social contact because of other issues, or just genuinely need alone time;
how to effectively communicate your need for alone time and organise it.
It's time to start owning your desire to be alone so you can recharge and do deep work - and to help others do the same!
Full Episode Text
Episode 19 - Honouring your Need to Be Alone
Welcome to this episode of the managing your smart mind podcast with Master Certified Coach Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
Hello smart humans! This week I want to talk about something that comes up a lot in my coaching practice:
the need to be alone.
I’m going to cover
How and why the desire to be alone is often stigmatised;
why smart people often need more alone time;
how to figure out whether you’re avoiding social contact because of other issues, or just genuinely need alone time;
how to effectively communicate your need for alone time and organize it.
But first, I want to share a little bit of my own story and how much alone time I need - and organise - in my life and work.
From a very young age I have loved to be alone.
I loved to be out by the lake on my own.
I loved to devour books on my own.
I loved to go for walks on my own.
I loved to study on my own.
My parents and teachers were very worried about this odd behaviour and tried to correct it, to make me more sociable.
It didn’t work - I just tried to go back to being alone as soon as I could.
When I became a teenager I started traveling alone, and I have never stopped. I’ve been to Japan and the US and all over Europe on my own.
It is simply the best thing for my brain.
I go to my studio, where I work alone, most mornings - including Saturdays.
I go for walks on my own.
And even though I have a family, I still travel alone - a lot.
But then, I’m not really what other people might consider ‘normal’.
If you, too, are an outlier when it comes to your brain, odds are that you’re an outlier when it comes to the need to be alone.
How and why the desire to be alone is often stigmatised - especially for women
From a biological perspective, being alone is a bad idea.
Humans are wired to survive in tribes. There’s safety in numbers.
So the more primitive part of our brain may not like you going off on your own - nor may the people in your social circle.
From a societal perspective, it is discouraged and judged.
Want to be alone? Then there must be something very wrong with you.
You’re not social, well-adjusted, etc.
Especially if you identify as a woman.
Of course for centuries it simply wasn’t safe to be alone as a woman. It still isn’t sometimes.
But even in the 20th and 21st centuries, when living, traveling, and spending time alone as a woman became possible, it still tends to be seen as an aberration.
Men who want to spend lots of time alone are categorised as adventurers, geniuses, inventors, spiritual.
Women? Not so much.
Crazy cat lady is probably one of the more flattering labels people tend to use for women who want to be alone, I’m not even going to list the others.
But even though it’s worse for women, men and children who love their own company can get in trouble too.
Children who want to be alone are thought to be emotionally challenged, and in need of fixing.
People who aren’t excited about yet another office outing are ‘poor team players’.
If you like to be alone you may have been told that you’re boring, a spoilsport, not social, etc.
All of this is ridiculous - it’s just another example of black and white thinking (for more on that check out podcast Episodes 12 and 13).
People assume that there are only two options: you like to be around people, or you like to be alone.
Which isn’t true at all. Nobody wants to be alone all the time (we’re still all humans), and nobody wants to be surrounded by people all the time.
The desire to be alone does not mean you reject other humans.
It just means you don’t want to share space and oxygen with them all the time.
But this is where the slippery slope of guilt can come in - especially if you’re internalising those judgmental voices.
Shouldn’t you want to spend more time with your kids?
Your partner?
Your colleagues?
Is there maybe something deeply wrong with you?
Nope. There is something wrong with most people’s THINKING.
Wanting to be alone does not equal rejecting loved ones.
It just means that you have a higher-than-average need to have your own space to think, feel, process, ponder.
It isn’t bad.
It isn’t good.
It’s just a neutral fact.
So don’t beat yourself up for it - and don’t let other people’s opinions and voices get into your head and make you feel guilty.
Don’t start doubting your relationships - the amount of time you want to spend with someone is not a measure of the amount of love you have for them.
Don’t ever start doubting your capacity to love and connect with humans - it has nothing to do with the amount of time you spend alone.
Instead, start listening to that voice inside that is asking for alone time, and honouring it. It’s one of the best things you can do for yourself - AND your loved ones.
Why smart people need more alone time
In my experience, all smart humans, regardless of whether they’re intro- or extroverts, have a higher than average need for time alone.
If they’re also neurodivergent you can multiply that amount by ten.
There’s a lot of reasons why you may need more alone time.
Sensory processing sensitivity
The desire to do deep, meaningful work
Not being interested in/stimulated by ‘normal’ conversations
The amount of effort it takes to interact with other humans
An innate desire to connect with nature
The need to recharge after socializing
Overstimulation to your mind which already launches into racing thoughts easily
There are many more, but they can be divided into two broad categories:
Undisturbed time needed for deep thinking, creativity, making new connections, etc.
Recovery time needed because of the way your wired, which makes interacting with people extra expensive energy wise
Both are massively important and should be honoured.
How to know whether your desire to be alone stems from an actual need, or from avoiding discomfort that just is part of life
Now you may be wondering, as some of my clients do, whether you’re using your different brain as an excuse to hide from life.
Whether this wanting to be alone is turning into something maybe not-so-healthy: avoidance of the discomfort that often comes with being a social human being.
And, should you give into this desire, if you’re going to end up all alone, with no friends and family.
First: notice how good your brain is at scaring you with worst case scenarios. It’s its job, which is always good to realize.
Second: Know that, again, this is not a black-and-white, forever fixed, scenario. Maybe you don’t need a lot of people in your life right now. Maybe you feel fine with two friends and a partner.
The most important question: do you feel GOOD about your relationships right now?
If the answer is yes, then relax and enjoy your life!
You can always adjust and start interacting with more people if your needs change.
Third: this question sometimes arises when people are trying to force themselves to spend time with friends they don’t really enjoy being with.
Most smart people have a hard time finding friends they can really relate to (more on this in a later podcast) - so if you’d ALWAYS rather be alone than spend time with your friends then maybe it’s time to find new friends.
Your need to be alone in this case is actually a need for more interesting people to play with. Go find them!
How to claim your alone time: communicating your needs
OK, so we’ve covered that your need to be alone is not wrong or bad, that you aren’t mad, and that you don’t need to become more social - unless you want to.
Now we come to the final part: how to actually arrange for alone time in a world that isn’t designed for it.
It starts with owning it.
Own that you want to spend a weekend away from your family.
Own that you love going for walks by yourself.
Own that your idea of a perfect evening is curled up in a chair with a book.
Own that you need at least an hour a day to decompress - even if you share your life with other small and large humans.
And then, where necessary, communicate this need.
Don’t beg, don’t manipulate, don’t plead: simply ask for what you want.
‘I want to spend an hour alone in the shed/attic/park every other day, how can we make that work?’
‘I want to go away for a weekend to do some deep thinking/sleeping/creating, which weekend would work best?’
A lot of my clients think their loved ones will be upset when they start claiming more alone time.
They’re always wrong.
The people in your life are usually relieved that you’re finally being honest with them.
Will you sometimes need to compromise?
Sure.
That’s life.
But it’s so much better to ask for what you need and getting at least part of it, than pretending that there’’s no need at all, and getting grumpy and resentful.
So start claiming and owning and luxuriating in your alone time, without guilt.
And please join me in normalizing the need to be alone - especially for women.
It’s not pathological.
It’s a healthy, beautiful thing.
Carve out alone time for your beautiful brain and help others do the same.
Have an amazing week, with as much alone time as you need!
And if you would like help with claiming alone time and setting boundaries so you can thrive then DM me on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook to learn how, or send me an email via podcast@elsekramer.com.
Thank you for listening to the Managing the Smart Mind Podcast, I love that at the time of recording this there are listeners in 58 countries! I am waving at all of you!