Episode 29 - Mind Your Language Part 2 - Negative Self-Talk
In this second part of a series on how language can undermine your identity and self-worth, we look at negative chatter.
You'll learn about the four different types:
catastrophising
personalising
polarising
filtering
And gets lots of tips to counteract these.
At the end of the podcast I share three powerful tools that are guaranteed to reduce negative self-talk and help you start building up self-trust instead.
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Full Episode Text
Episode 29 - Negative Self-Talk
Welcome to this episode of the managing the smart mind podcast with Master Certified Coach Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
This is the second of a three-part series on language, and how to use it intentionally to support your self-worth, self-confidence and self-trust.
Today I will do a deep dive into negative internal chatter, or self-talk. In the previous episode, we looked at negative questions, but these are just a small part of the negative chatter that goes on inside your head.
And that inner chatter, the ability to introspect, to ‘talk amongst yourself’ is actually a very cool thing which has lots of evolutionary advantages. Because of it, we are able to evaluate our past - and we can prepare for our future.
We use our inner voice to create meaningful narratives about ourselves and our lives - and in that way shape our identity.
But there is also a downside - and that is when our inner chatter becomes negative.
If we say too many negative things to ourselves, we can quickly end up in a downwards spiral.
The negative chatter creates negative emotions, which in turn causes even more negative self-talk. Not a great dynamic.
If you have no idea what ‘negative self-talk’ looks like, here are some examples from my own life.
These are things I habitually said to myself before I found coaching and changed the way I speak to myself.
‘There is never enough time.’
‘I screwed up that project.’
‘I’ll probably be out of a job by the end of the year.’
‘I never have any luck.’
‘Nobody cares.’
‘I’m always exhausted.’
‘My life is such a mess.’
‘I’m so useless.’
‘I’ll never be able to speak Japanese.’
‘I have zero discipline.’
‘I shouldn’t be so scared.’
‘That’s never going to work.’
‘I should have figured this out years ago.’
‘I’m so lazy.’
Just reading these out loud makes me feel very helpless and hopeless!
Before I explain what you can do to counteract negative self-talk (and it’s not forcing a smile, standing in a power stance and saying positive things), let’s first get specific on the categories of negative self-chatter.
There are four broad types of negative self-talk:
filtering, polarising, catastrophising, and personalising.
Filtering is the same as negative bias: you fixate on the negative and leave no, or very little, room in your mind for the positive.
The glass is always half-empty, cracked, tand he water probably poisoned. What you don’t see is the entire cabinet with fresh glasses and cooled San Pellegrino right next to you.
Catastrophising is pretty self-explanatory - your brain immediately goes to the worst that could happen.
You’re about to go on a wonderful trip to Spain, and your brain immediately thinks of all the ways you can die, get sick, get robbed, etc.
Or you post something on social media, for example about a webinar you’re going to teach. You get ONE snarky comment and your brain turns that into ‘this is never going to work’.
I must say if there were world championships in catastrophising I’m pretty sure I would end at least in the top three - my brain is amazing at creating all sorts of nightmare scenarios.
Crashed planes, missed ferries, diseases I only learned about from watching House, MD, sinkholes - I’ve fantasised about all of them. Not the most fun thing to do with your time.
Personalising is making everything about YOU - in the worst possible way.
Your manager reassigns you to a different project => you conclude must have made a terrible mistake somewhere
A client decides not to hire you => you decide you must have made a terrible pitch.
You texted someone and they didn’t respond in the timeframe you expected => you are 100% sure that they dislike you.
And the last category, Polarising is just black-and-white thinking - to which I’ve already devoted two podcast Episodes because it’s so omnipresent in people with smart minds.
Either you win or you lose.
You succeed or you fail.
You’re reliable or unreliable.
You’re lovable completely unlovable.
This type of thinking leaves no room for the realities of life and fosters other debilitating tendencies like perfectionism.
Polarising also engenders a fixed mindset - and stops you from evolving and growing.
So we have filtering, personalising, catastrophising and polarising. And I’d venture to say that these are even more powerful when you have a smart, creative mind.
The incredible ingeniousness and creativity with which smart brains do it can make the negative chatter seems so real, so right, so plausible.
Basically, yes - you are being a complete dick to yourself, but in such a creative, clever way that it’s almost endearing.
However, it has to stop for you to stand a chance to lead a relatively happy, fulfilling, joyful life.
And here’s how you do it.
Where you filter, you grab your brain by its cerebellum and force it to look at the positives.
Where you personalise, you change your language to neutral.
Where you scare yourself, first create a distance and then explore both extremes.
Where you polarise, find the messy middle.
Want some examples? Of course you do. Here goes.
When, at the end of the day, you catch yourself thinking ‘I didn’t send that email, return those library books, draft that presentation, I should’ve done at least another 10 things’, STOP.
Instead, force yourself to write down three small wins - three things you DID achieve. Give both sides equal airtime.
When someone doesn’t react or respond in a way you expected, or something happens that feels bad or disappointing,
When you notice you start catastrophising, you can do two things.
First: just indulge in your brain a little. Let it go to those dark places. Visit the worst-case scenarios. And ask yourself: ‘if I survive, will I be able to deal with this in some way?’
That may sound a bit cruel, especially if you’re thinking you or a loved one could die. But usually, the answer is something like ‘yes. It will be heartbreakingly awful and hard - but I CAN deal.’ Which takes a lot of oompf out of the catastrophising.
The flip side of this is to do the opposite of catastrophising.
Fantasise about BEST-case scenarios. Force yourself to come up with a BEST-case completely over the top dream scenario for each nightmare scenario you’re envisioning.
This works wonders because
A It is a lot of fun.
B. It opens up your brain to the amazing things that you don’t even realise are possible because you’re so focused on possible disasters.
C. it reminds you that the cost of scaring yourself with worst-case scenarios is missing out on a possible BEST case.
And when you polarise, simply ask this one simple question:
Is that really true? Is it absolutely, 100% true?
That usually is enough to deflate the balloon filled with absolutes - because it never is.
More ways to disarm negative self-talk
In addition, here are some techniques that help with any type of negative self-talk.
1. Create some space between you and the chatter
The first is creating distance between you and the stuff going on in your head.
You can project it on a movie screen instead, and visualise it moving away from you. May sound weird, but makes a massive difference to your emotional reactivity.
Or you can create a funny persona around the negative voice. I visualise mine as a thin, anxious cat that is freaked out about everything.
Whenever it starts to spout off on why I’m useless, I just smile, because I know that is the only tune this cat can sing, I nod, maybe rub it under the chin a little - and then get on with my life.
2. Practice self-compassion and loving-kindness
The second is to keep a picture of yourself as an adorable little child handy, and whenever you say something negative look at that picture and ask yourself: would I say this to that lovely little human?
That usually shuts up the negative thought.
It may also make you cry - but don’t worry, that’s just an overdue emotional release because you forgot how to be loving and kind towards yourself for a while.
3. Lose the self - drop the ‘I’
I’ve talked about this before - this is a great technique to ‘neutralise’ your language.
Instead of ‘I missed the deadline on that report’ say ‘The woman in the polkadot dress missed the deadline on that report. (or in whichever way you appear in this physical realm).
Try it. Seriously. It makes a massive difference to the emotions generated.
It can take you from anguish and despair to a calm neutral.
To summarise:
Inner chatter is incredibly valuable when it’s used for meaningful storytelling around past and future. When it’s used to build up and support your identity.
But when it gets too negative you have to change your inner chatter.
If you’ve practised negative self-talk for a long time you’ve probably become very good at it.
Give yourself plenty of time to
Become aware of all the negative stuff you say to yourself
Practice the above tools and tips to start treating yourself with love and kindness
Last but not least: when something not at all fun happens, allow the emotions that come up. Be with the disappointment, frustration, fear.
It’s not the easiest thing to do (check out podcast Episode 16 for help with this) - but a lot of negative self-chatter is a misguided way of dealing with negative emotions.
If you simply allow them, be with them and process them you’ll massively reduce the urge to say mean things to yourself.
So. That was a lot - this is detailed work, it takes a bit of dedication, but it is so worth doing.
Give it a go.
Listen to that inner chatter - and if it’s negative, you now know what to do.
Thank you for listening - I just checked the podcast stats and noticed that there are smart people listening in 72 countries. That is just so incredibly cool!
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Until the next instalment!
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Do you want to work with me one-on-one to move past whatever it is that blocks you? DM me on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook to learn how you can work with me, or send me an email via podcast@elsekramer.com.
Thank you for listening to the Managing the Smart Mind Podcast, I love that at the time of recording this there are smart humans listening in 72 countries! I really appreciate you - do send me any questions or requests for topics you have.