Episode 30 - Mind Your Language Part 3 - The One Word to Eliminate from Your Vocabulary
This week, I'm looking at the 'dirtiest' word in the English language - the word that undermines both who you are and what you do.
I'll explain
how and where it shows up
the different categories
why you need to stop using it - stat
how to do that
Give it a listen, and then stop using that insidious word that makes you feel miserable!
Full Episode Text
Episode 30 - The One Word You Need to Eliminate from Your Vocabulary
Welcome to this episode of the managing the smart mind podcast with Master Certified Coach Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
Welcome to the third and final part of a trilogy on how the language you use can both undermine and support you - and how to make sure it’s the latter.
In the first part we looked at the wrong way to ask questions, and how you should approach this instead.
In the second, we did a deep dive into inner chatter and how it shapes both your identity and your experience of the world in a kind of continuous, mutually influencing dance.
And in this final part, I’ll talk about the one word you need to absolutely eliminate from your vocabulary - and why.
It’s not ‘failure’.
It’s not ‘impossible’ either, although you may want to give that one a wide birth too.
It’s a verb - and it is making you miserable.
It compares the way you are right now with different ways you could be or have been - and leaves you feeling like a failure.
Have you guessed what it is yet?
If not, you may actually be thinking it.
‘I should have figured this out by now!’
That’s right.
The constant underminer of everything you are doing, have done, or are going to do, ‘should’, is the one we’re looking at.
‘Should’ needs to be banned.
This verb encourages your brain to constantly create possible parallel universes with much improved versions of you.
Possible worlds in which you are:
A better human.
Better off.
Have better relationships.
A better character.
Which means you make the REAL you, right here, right now, wrong.
Inferior. A failure.
Shoulds to make you wrong in the past
And we don’t just use ‘should’ to ruin our present - we also apply it to our retroactively feel bad about our past.
‘I should have done that differently.’
‘I shouldn't have wasted so much time.’
‘I should have been nicer/smarter/etc.’
‘I should have taken the other road’.
‘I should never have trusted her.’
‘I shouldn’t have married him.’
‘I shouldn’t have bought the house.’
‘I should have travelled more.’
‘I never should have taken that job - what was I thinking?’
Fun, right?
You are telling yourself off for something that’s already happened.
Nothing you can do about it.
Yet we do this ALL THE TIME. It’s insane.
I should have said that better.
I should never have gone to that party.
I should have put my foot down.
‘Shoulds’ about the past tell your brain to create an alternate story, a possible reality with which you then get to compare yourself, and can’t help but notice how much you full short.
Should is the ultimate compare & despair tool.
You compare yourself with an idealised past, idealised self, and idealised others.
Not the best way to make yourself feel good about your life.
Present Shoulds
And the same happens when we ‘should’ in the present.
I should try harder.
I should lose that weight.
I should call my mum more often.
I should be making more money.
I should be married by now.
Can you see how the mind uses ‘should’ to paint a picture, and then hold it against your actual situation to show you how you fall short?
It’s not at all constructive.
Here’s a list of the most common - and insidious - ‘shoulds’:
‘I should be there already’
‘I should be more like him/her/them’
‘I should know or understand this by now’
‘I shouldn’t be so sad/anxious/confused [insert any emotion you perceive as negative].’
We’re all so used to thinking and saying those ‘should’ constructs that they seem normal. But they’re not.
They’re really, really bad for you.
Getting rid of shoulds
So how do you eliminate the shoulds?
When they’re about the past it’s incredibly simple.
Whenever your brain offers you a should about the past, like ‘I should have done that differently’, you simply respond with:
‘No, I shouldn’t.
How do I know? Because I didn’t.’
Does that mean you don’t take any responsibility for your actions?
Of course not. If you did something you don’t like, see if you can make amends.
Decide to learn from it going forward.
But don’t ‘should’ on your past.
When they’re about the present
There are two categories of shoulds: ‘do-shoulds’ and ‘be-shoulds’
When you’re indulging in action-shoulds (shoulds about something you should or shouldn’t do), here’s how it works.
Let’s say you think:
‘I should call my mum more often’
You now have two options.
Check in with yourself:
Do you WANT to call your mum more often?
In that case, just replace ‘should’ with ‘want’ - and call your mum!
If you don’t, get curious.
Why do you think you should?
Usually the answer is something like
‘So I can be a good …. (daughter, entrepreneur, employee, parent, friend, partner, etc.)
You have rules - partly cultural, partly your own - about what a good daughter looks like, how she shows up.
When there’s a should, those rules drive your thinking - not what you actually want.
So let’s make them explicit.
Underneath ‘I should call my mum more often’ are probably these underlying beliefs:
‘Good daughters call their mothers often.’
And ‘I want to be a good daughter.’’
Do you subscribe to these beliefs? Or is there room to disagree?
Do you, deep down inside, beg to differ?
Maybe being a good daughter isn’t high on your priority list right now, when you think about it (for example, if you’re currently struggling with burnout).
You could also question the idea that good daughters are always calling their mum.
It takes some time, curiosity and honesty - but usually, once you start inquiring, the entire ‘should’ falls apart.
Either you want to do something - or you don’t.
There’s never a ‘should’ unless you're subscribing to implicit rules.
Let’s look at another common should.
‘I should lose some weight.’
This is a sentence I actually said to a coach a couple of months into the pandemic, and she blew my mind by asking:
Why? Do you even WANT to? Is that your biggest priority right now?
And no, it wasn’t at all. I wanted to find room for all the feelings, keep my family safe as best I could, and and to keep building my business despite everything going on in the world.
I was actually fine with a couple of extra kilos at that time.
But my brain told me I ‘should’ lose them - because then I’d be a better me.
I was the perfect me - in that moment. With the perfect weight.
Existential Shoulds
Shoulds about your way of being are just as easily dealt with as shoulds about the past.
When your brain offers something like:
‘I should be more calm’.
The only correct response is
‘No. I shouldn’t.’
How do you know?
Because you aren’t. And you want to be in integrity with yourself, and honour what and who you are, right now.
As Byron Katie says: when you argue with reality, you lose. Always.
So stop with the shoulds already.
Start noticing how often you say or think them.
Enlist the help of loved ones if you find that hard.
And then neutralise them in the way I showed you.
Never, ever again make yourself feel bad by projecting an idealised version of yourself - past or present.
Have an amazing week.
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Do you want to regain your energy and joy and stop constantly pushing through life? DM me on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook to learn how you can work with me, or send me an email via podcast@elsekramer.com.
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