Episode 31 - Smart People Problems - Smart Shaming
Welcome to a new series on what I have dubbed ‘Smart People Problems’ - challenges most smart humans have to deal with during their lives.
One that tends to be a constant in smart peoples' lives: smart shaming.
In this week's episode you'll learn
what smart shaming is (and isn't);
how and where it shows up - and why;
how you can address it.
I also talk about what leadership looks like w.r.t. smart shaming: what do you need to do to create an environment in which smart people are safe to be themselves?
Please join me in stopping the smart shaming in schools, institutions, the workplace, families - all the places where smart people are currently being discouraged to be themselves.
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Full Episode Text
Episode 31 - Smart People Problems: Smart Shaming
Welcome to this episode of the managing the smart mind podcast with Master Certified Coach Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
And welcome to a new series on what I have dubbed ‘Smart People Problems’ - challenges most smart humans have to deal with during their lives.
Is it amazing to have a smart mind? For sure!
I love my smart mind. I love all the things it can do.
Let’s be honest, it’s quite a privilege. Let’s acknowledge that - let’s be honest about all the advantages having a smart mind brings us.
And, as with most things in life, it does come with its own set of challenges, one of which we’re going to talk about today: something I have dubbed ‘smart shaming’.
Smart Shaming - What is it?
Smart shaming by my definition is shaming someone for having a smart mind.
It’s pointing out that they have a fast brain in a negative, deprecating way.
Here are some examples of what that can look like:
Getting asked to ‘tone it down’ at work.
Negative name-calling: nerd, teacher’s pet, know-it-all.
In general: smart shaming is being told that your smartness makes others uncomfortable and that you should do something about that.
‘Others’ here includes peers, coworkers, leaders, family members, and friends: any group of people which you as a smart human interact with.
Is being asked to change the way you show up always smart shaming?
Not necessarily - it depends on context.
If someone asks you to explain something in words they, or the audience, understands, they aren’t necessarily smart shaming. They’re simply making a request.
Sometimes smart humans lack contextual awareness - i.e. they don’t realise that there is a gap between them and their audience, and what the size of that gap is.
If someone asks you to bridge that gap without any deprecating tone etc it’s perfectly legit.
But if they make YOU wrong, then it’s smart shaming.
Why is it a problem?
Bullying is ALWAYS a problem.
But even if it’s a milder form of smart shaming the underlying, often constant messaging is: please don’t be YOU. Please change. The way you are simply isn’t OK.
This, needless to say, kills your self-confidence, joy, and all the things.
And in response to this smart people tend to either shrink, or only show up with, say, 40% of who they are. Which can result in anxiety, depression, etc.
Or they get very angry and aggressive and triggered, and that then, especially for people socialised as men, becomes their way to be in the world.
Both are exhausting and awful - so we need to stop the smart shaming.
But before we talk about how to make that happen, let’s first look at the context and systems and structures in which smart shaming happens.
In what contexts, systems and structures does smart shaming show up?
I want to start with school. Because we all go to school, and this is usually where the smart shaming starts.
It's where teachers or parents ask, just don't lead on how smart you are, because you're making the other kids feel uncomfortable and bad about themselves.
Right? Or you're being called the teacher's pet. Or a teacher may feel threatened by your questions, and make you feel bad for asking them.
So it usually starts there, where you're within a structure and basically the message from the people from the leaders or teachers or, you know, the adults is this:
The way you are, with your smart mind, is not okay, because it makes other people uncomfortable.
So you should please them instead of yourself, tone yourself down, stop asking questions all the time, etc, etc.
The next place it can show up is higher eduction.
I thought when I went to University I would be surrounded by people like me, who loved learning. How wrong was that!
There were many people at university who just wanted to get their diploma, and then go and work.
They weren't necessarily there for the knowledge, to learn new things.
They had a very different agenda from me - I just wanted to learn as much as was humanly possible.
So it’s not surprising that this clashed - as it does for many smart people.
We tend to be very curious, and ask a shit ton of questions. Which isn’t necessarily the priority of people who are just there to figure out how to win at the game of university. Right?
What do I need to do for the test? How can I just get a good result? That's all I really want to know. And then can we get on with it?
So there can be, you know, massive conflict between people in a class, for example, where they're like, can you please shut the fuck up, or when you need to collaborate, and you disagree on both the content and the process (starting with the amount of work that needs to be put in).
Then there is the workplace, right, and this is where again, after, you know, growing up being smart, shamed, a lot of people get smart, shamed all over again.
And this can show up in many different ways.
Again, people can ask you to tone down.
To not be so in other people's faces.
To not share your opinion, so much to not ask so many questions, to not rock the boat, and so on, and so forth.
I have heard stories of new product managers, female managers being asked to please hide their smarts because it would just upset the team. If they, you know, knew how smart they really were their leader really was. It's insane.
It can also show up with your family. It can be your parents or caretakers that feel uncomfortable with the way your brain works.
Maybe they have some idea that they need to be on top because they're the adults they need to be smarter than you. So they start lashing out.
Maybe they worry about you because they have an idea of what kids should be like - and you’re disconcertingly different. And then they feel the need to try and make you more normal through smart-shaming you.
Smart-shaming tends to happen whenever and wherever there’s a smartness gap between you and the other people.
Why does it happen, why do people smart shame?
Basically: your difference from the norm makes people uncomfortable, and causes them to lash out.
Sometimes the discomfort comes from the best intentions: they love you but have a limited perspective of what a child should look like - and you don’t fit that at all.
Sometimes the discomfort and the resulting pushback is less noble: it comes from people trying to control you.
This happens a lot in the workplace where leaders, sometimes even very senior leaders, are used to manipulating and bullying people into submission.
When they come across a smart human these tactics usually no longer work. Smart people tend, in general, to not be very impressed by hierarchy for example. Or easily manipulated by massive bonuses - they’re already massively intriiclaly motivated.
This creates a massive discomfort - and then the attempt to control people through shaming them.
It shows up in feedback and performance reviews with remarks like ‘needs to be more relatable’.
And again: sometimes there is definitely cause for feedback: as long as it’s super specific.
For example: you’re moving too fast, people can’t keep up, you’re using too much jargon - this happens and you want to know it so you can adjust accordingly.
But being told you’re ‘too much’, you need to stop intimidating other people with your intelligence is way too vague to be valid feedback.
It’s just an attempt to shrink you so other people can feel better about themselves - until of course the next person shows up to trigger their insecurities.
How do you deal with smart shaming?
As a smart human who gets smart shamed, the first step is to notice and then simply acknowledge the ‘smart’ part of it.
For example, when someone says,
“God, you're such a smart ass”
You can say,
“Yeah, I have a really fast brain, which I find mostly incredibly useful. Is there a problem?”
So don't try to brush it under the carpet - if someone says something like that, don't just let it slide.
OK, you are calling me out on having a smart brain. And I am saying yes, I have that thing. But what exactly is your problem with it?
Because maybe they have something they want to ask you, but they're afraid to write or they don't even realise what they need from you, and you can help them find it.
And in addition, then what you can say is this:
The speed with which my brain works is something I can't really change. But if you have a question about the way I show up or interact, if you have any constructive feedback, I'd love to hear it.
Make it super specific and very clear, and try to figure out what that other person actually needs.
Usually, what we all need as humans is to be safe. So probably something about the way you're showing up makes them feel unsafe. And then you can talk with them about how they can create safety for themselves or maybe co-create it with you.
Mind you: having an honest conversation around this is not about you pleasing them and you changing yourself so they get to feel safe.
It's about them digging into what's really going on there - what do I need from this person and how can I make that happen without manipulating them, bullying them, or asking them to change for me.
This is also a good time to acknowledge that it can be massively uncomfortable to notice that someone is much smarter than you.
I don't know what it's been like for you in your journey as a smart human. But for me, with a husband who has a PhD in mathematical physics, I really did not like the fact that I couldn't understand his PhD thesis.
It made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and very, very frustrated.
So knowing that feeling, knowing how it feels when there is something out there that you really easily grasp, and how powerless and frustrated that can make you feel, can help you come from a place of understanding and compassion.
So to summarise, when people smart shame, you do not let it slide. You call it out and then try to figure out what the underlying problem is.
If you don’t feel safe doing this in the moment, then consider taking it to leadership, HR, someone you can trust - or even just taking a time out and then opening up the discussion later, when you feel safe and solid instead of freaked out and agitated.
But you have to address it, you cannot let it slide because this is basically again, bullying. It is it undermines your identity, the truth of you. And it needs to stop.
How do you address it as a leader,?
Let's say you lead teams, maybe mixed teams with some smart people, or you're a teacher, and instructor University professor.
How do you deal with smart shaming happening in your company, your institution?
Again, you have to be very vigilant, you do not want to allow it right you have to be very clear what you do and do not allow you have to call it out.
But also if you do want to correct people and give feedback, which of course you want to you have to be super specific and not make it about people's brains.
It's like saying to someone, Oh, you don't have legs, you know, that really sucks. I wish you had legs, you're making me feel uncomfortable because you don't have legs.
I mean, come on, that is not feedback you can give to someone who doesn't have legs, right? And it's the same with smart people who are so smart, it makes me very uncomfortable. Saying ‘please stop being smart’.
It's completely useless.
So that's not the kind of culture you want. But if there's something very specific, someone can easily change without changing their identity, something behavioural they can change without it turning into people pleasing, then talk to them about that.
Is there a gap between them and the people the regularly talk to that needs addressing - because they don’t realise it?
Tell them, and help them find a solution.
Do they over focus on process and lose sight of the bigger picture?
Tell them, and, again, help them find a solution.
Smart people are far from perfect, they’re just humans humaning.
But they usually mean well - and if you can help them get better at what they do without making them feel bad about their brain they will pretty much ALWAYS be interested.
What you don’t want is to create a culture in which people have to dance around each other and never feel safe to show up as themselves.
As a leader, encourage your people to be themselves and help them navigate the discomfort that naturally arises when different humans collaborate.
It can be an amazing lesson for people to learn that hey, oh my god, you just did a thing which discombobulated me (if you don’t know that word, it’s exactly what it sounds like: it kind of shook me) - and that is okay.
I don't need to feel comfort all the time.
If you, as a leader, create a culture in which people have to be careful all the time, so as to not tread on toes it always ends in burnout and lots of sick leave.
So it's so much better to create a space where people can safely be themselves - with of course very clear boundaries when it comes to bullying etc..
So there we have it. Smart shaming.
It has to stop. It has to stop in schools, in families, in companies in institutions, because it's so damaging and costly.
We’re smart - so we will have to be part of that change.
We’re going to have to educate people.
First of all showing them what they're doing is smart shaming - and not constructive.
Secondly, we have to own our part of the equation.
Is there something we can do to bridge the gap that other people are experiencing? Are we open to SPECIFIC feedback? And, at least as important: do we also refrain from ‘dumb-shaming’?
Last but certainly not least, we have to help create cultures and environments in which smart people can thrive.
And if smart shaming is a problem in your organisation, organisation, I can help I can actually coach leadership's teams as part human so that they can work together again in a constructive, open and honest way. So if that's what you need, shoot me a message on LinkedIn to learn how.
Okay, smart humans, let's stop all the smart shaming and just get all the humans to be themselves in their own glorious way.
That is what I wish for all of us.
Have a fantastic week.
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Do you want to regain your energy, vitality and joy; and stop struggling through life? Are you ready to have some fun with that smart mind of yours, by learning to manage it? DM me on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com.
Thank you for listening to the Managing the Smart Mind Podcast, I love that at
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