Episode 34 - Smart People Problems - Perfectionism
Do you feel like you should always be better at things?
Do you avoid, postpone, or procrastinate?
Do you, in other words, display perfectionistic tendencies?
Then this podcast is for you.
You'll learn what perfectionism really is, and three approaches to combat it.
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Full Episode Text
Episode 34 - Perfectionism
Welcome to this episode of the managing the smart mind podcast with Master Certified Coach Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
This is number four in a series on ‘Smart People Problems’ - things that are challenging especially for humans with smart minds.
In the previous episodes, we looked at smart-shaming, boreout and the challenge of thinking you have to pick one thing. Today’s topic is one I know very intimately - it’s perfectionism.
My perfectionist tendencies flare up every week when I hit ‘publish’ on the podcast because I know that within less than an hour I will probably think of better ways to have talked about a topic, or other important issues I should have covered.
This is the flip side of learning at lightning speed - your own creations also tend to become obsolete pretty quickly. Although obsolete is probably a bit harsh, let’s just say that you are ready for version 1.2 a lot faster than most people are.
Now, this weekly perfectionism I experience is annoying, but it’s quite manageable. The podcast still gets published and I accept ahead of time that I’m going to have thoughts about it which may not necessarily be fun.
As a coach I have plenty of tools to deal with those - and expecting them in itself already takes away maybe 80% of the pressure. I’ve accepted my perfectionist tendencies and, in most cases, can still get the work done.
But for some smart humans, perfectionism is quite a debilitating condition. So let’s dive into that - what exactly is it, and how do you overcome it?
Let’s get one important thing straight first.
Perfectionism is learned behaviour - it is not a personality trait, however much you may think so.
When someone says ‘I'm such a perfectionist’ what is happening is that they have a tendency to revert to perfectionist coping strategies.
And perfectionist tendencies are learned behaviour which, thankfully, can be unlearned.
This brings me to my definition of perfectionism - and it may be a bit different than what you’re used to.
Perfectionism is a strategy to avoid uncomfortable emotions and create a false sense of security.
Let’s say that again, because it’s quite a mouthful.
Perfectionism is a strategy the human brain uses to:
Avoid uncomfortable emotions like fear;
Create a false sense of security.
And it’s actually quite a clever strategy - it does manage to avoid most short-term risks.
The sad thing is that the long-term cost of perfectionism as a coping strategy is massive - it’s a very high price to pay.
Unchecked perfectionism can lead to serious dysfunction, people dropping out of school, burnout, massive anxiety, depression, etc.
Not to mention that it tends to take all the joy out of someone’s life.
Perfectionism as a coping strategy basically says: hey, you’re just not good enough to be yourself, you have to try harder AND avoid situations where there isn’t a 100% guarantee that you’ll be successful.
This means you end up doing stuff that is always inside your comfort zone and never get to experience growth - very boring.
And you’re constantly pushing yourself to be better which causes a lot of stress and is a massive energy drain.
Now I always like to work on the assumption that our avoidance behaviour makes sense on some level.
There is a need there that your brain has found a way to address - it’s just that in the case of perfectionism, the side effects of this strategy are pretty bad.
So what is that underlying need?
What is your brain trying to fix through the strategy of perfectionism?
It’s your inability to safely experience emotions like fear, vulnerability, and uncertainty.
Something inside you is convinced that if you screw up at whatever it is you’re trying to do, whether it’s writing a book, podcast, presentation; applying for a new position, etc - if you fail, the emotions are going to be unbearable.
They are going to kill you.
Granted, this may sound a bit dramatic.
But it really is what’s going on at a subconscious level - hence all the machinations to minimise risk at all costs.
At surface level this can present as:
Being afraid of being judged, laughed at, etc.;
Being afraid of your OWN (probably harsher) self-judgment when your results aren’t what you hoped for;
Catastrophising into the future (I’ll lose my job, end up alone under the bridge, etc.);
Dismissing the work you did (it was a complete waste of time, what was I thinking, etc.).
These are just some examples of what drives your brain to pick perfectionism as a coping strategy.
But as both a coach and a philosopher I love to look at not just the surface level causes, but also what’s underneath.
Because if we can then address that, we solve all the things - rather than just a couple of them.
So underneath all of these is the idea that you will not be able to deal with whatever your brain thinks is going to happen to you in case of a not ideal outcome to your endeavours.
In other words: when, in your own opinion, you fail.
To quote your brain:
Failure is not an option.
So when we want to counter perfectionism, this is what we have to change your mind about.
We have to show your brain, actually your entire system, mind, body, heart, that failure IS an option.
That failure may not be your preferred outcome, but it is definitely an outcome you can deal with.
We can do that in several ways, and I recommend that you experiment with all of these approaches to figure out what works best for you in your specific situation.
1, Uncover the thinking that leads to the erroneous belief that failure is not an option
What is the worst thing that could happen?
What is your nightmare scenario?
Imagine it, and then ask: can I deal with that?
If so, are you WILLING to deal with it, to risk it, in order to achieve your goal?
In this way, you slowly unravel all the assumptions that failure equals death.
2. Create safety for your nervous system
If you feel massively triggered by the risk of rejection, failure, etc. you can also desensitise yourself to it - almost as you would with a phobia.
Expose yourself to failure. Start tiny. And slowly build it up.
Use somatic practices to calm your system when necessary.
Keep showing yourself that you’re safe, even if you’re taking risks.
And don’t worry, I’ll give some more specific examples later on in the podcast.
3. Get better at feeling and processing uncomfortable emotions
If there’s one skill that has an insane ROI it’s this one.
Being OK with not FEELING OK.
We’re not taught how to do this when growing up - and yet it is an essential skill to master if we want to be a free, thriving human being.
I’m going to be honest here: it is not easy. Whenever I talk with a possible new client I always tell them I have bad news for them: working with me isn’t just going to be fun and games (although some of it is): there is going to be a lot of intense work around learning to be with uncomfortable emotions.
But it is SO WORTH IT.
It is basically what is between you and ultimate freedom.
Yeah. It’s that big.
This is work that is best done with an experienced coach - but I do go into it in Podcast Episode ?? so check that one out too if you haven’t listened to it yet.
So next time you’re stressing out about something and finding lots of reasons not to finish it - or even not to start, check in with yourself to see whether perfectionist coping strategies are kicking in.
For example when your brain tells you you’re not ready, with thoughts like these:
I just need to read one more article
I just need to get one more certification
I just need another week to write
Or when it scares you, with thoughts like these:
My peers are going to think I’m an idiot
My colleagues are going to laugh at me
My clients are going to think I’m incompetent
And its solution is for you to ‘get better’ before you proceed?
Then you can be pretty sure you’re dealing with perfectionist tendencies.
Luckily, this time you’re prepared - use one or more of the three strategies I’ve covered in this podcast:
Thought work
Somatic work
Emotional resilience
Here’s a specific example of how that could play out.
Let’s say I want to reach out to a big tech firm to coach offer to coach their smart humans.
My brain is immediately going to freak out and come up with thousands of reasons why this is a very bad idea.
It will tell me I need to get at least two more certifications, another five years of experience, and preferable also a PhD before I can even CONSIDER reaching out.
I notice that - and instead of buying into the idea that I need to be and do more before I’m ready, I get curious about what’s underneath.
In this case: fear of rejection.
When I look at this from a thought work perspective, here are some questions I’d ask myself:
What is your worst case scenario?
Why is that such a bad thing?
If they say no to your proposal, what are you making that mean about you and the value and credibility of your work?
Are those thoughts true?
What other thoughts could you choose instead?
This already alleviates a lot of the pressure because I’m shooting holes in all the drama my brain is creating.
When I want to tackle this with somatic work, this is what it could look like:
I visualise myself going through all the steps: preparing the proposal, finding the right person to reach out to, reaching out, etc.
I notice what happens in my body.
When the emotions get too intense, i.e. when I start to feel very uncomfortable, I ‘freeze’ the visualisation and, whilst staying in it, start to soothe my nervous system.
I can put my hand on my heart and say ‘I am safe’.
I can do a body scan.
I can do a grounding through my senses exercise.
And then I check-in to see how I feel.
Still terrified? Then I need to do more grounding and soothing.
Better? Then I go on to the next step.
If I am able to go through the whole thing in my imagination, and feel ready to actually get started, I can do use exactly the same approach.
Whenever I get too anxious, terrified, etc. I stop and calm myself down before I take the next step.
And when I work from an emotional perspective this is what I do:
I start doing the thing I really don’t think I can do.
I notice all the emotions that come up.
I allow and I process them in as far as I can.
I allow the leftover uncomfortable emotions to be present and still do the thing (this is where I can use somatic practices from above if I get too freaked out).
To summarise:
Perfectionism is not a character trait - it’s a coping mechanism.
It is a strategy to avoid uncomfortable emotions and create a false sense of security.
Your brain is trying to protect you by stopping you from doing scary things - or prolonging/postponing them for as long as possible.
The solution is to create safety around the inevitable discomfort you are going to experience when you try new things - and you now have three ways to start building that safety.
So give that a go, and, as always, baby steps.
Be kind to your mind,
And have a beautiful week,
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Want to experience what it is like to really be free? I can help you. DM me on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com.
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