Episode 49 - Stop asking ‘What’s wrong with me?’ and ask this powerful question instead
This week's Episode is a bit of a rant because I'm so mad at the harm that has been and is being done to humans with smart minds by telling them they need to change the essence of who they are in order to be successful.
In this Episode you'll learn why this is a big fat lie, what it will cost you to keep subscribing to it, and how to turn it around through:
Uncovering the internalised voices
Allowing the 'ouch'
Asking what your need
And then providing yourself with those resources
If you have children, this is even more important to be aware of because we want to break the cycle of abuse.
Resources mentioned in this Episode:
Episode 11 - Clearing the Clutter in Your Brain:
https://managingthesmartmind.buzzsprout.com/1960175/10600672-episode-11-clearing-the-clutter-in-your-brain
Episode 24 - The Dark Side of Self-Improvement:
https://managingthesmartmind.buzzsprout.com/1960175/11067816-episode-24-the-dark-side-of-self-improvement
Episode 29 - Mind Your Language - Negative Self-Talk
https://managingthesmartmind.buzzsprout.com/1960175/11236380-episode-29-mind-your-language-2-negative-self-talk
Full Episode Text
Episode 49 - Stop asking ‘what’s wrong with me?’ and start asking this instead
Welcome to this episode of the managing the smart mind podcast with Master Certified Coach Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
Hello fabulous smart human!
This week’s Episode is a bit of a rant about something that I see happening with so many of my clients.
They are repeating and amplifying abusive external voices to themselves without realising it.
One of the challenges of having a smart mind is that people who don’t know what it’s like to have your brain think it’s best for you to behave as if you had a standard issue brain. As if you were neurotypical.
They’re usually well-meaning, but they’re measuring you against a stick that was never meant for someone like you.
And then they write things in your report card like:
‘If only she’d apply herself more.’
‘Needs to learn to be disciplined.’
‘Messy, unfocused, all over the place - must learn to stay on task.’
‘If he doesn’t stop daydreaming he’ll never pass.’
All these messages boil down to one thing:
You must change who you are to succeed in life.
The way you engage with learning, with creating; the way you manifest yourself isn’t right - that is why things are hard for you.
Such a terrible lie - and something that cuts deeply into your self-confidence and self-worth.
If they’re not corrected, as we grow up we internalise these messages, and transform them into thoughts like
‘If only I could get my act together’.
‘Come on, how hard can it be?’
‘I’m squandering all my opportunities.’
And so on.
Again perpetuating the idea that if only we were different, things could work out in our life.
So we embark on a journey of self-improvement (and I’ve talked before about the dark side of this, I’ll leave a link to the Episode on the Dark Side of Self-Improvement in the show notes.)
We try to be ‘good’.
To be disciplined.
To do things the way we’re supposed to.
We mask, we perform, we suppress.
But even if we manage (or manage to pretend), this comes at a massive cost.
To our minds, to our well-being, to our bodies.
We lose our joy, our energy, and eventually can become burnt out and depressed.
All because we’ve bought into this lie that we need to be different to be OK.
But we can only, always, be who we are.
So in order to become a ‘well-adjusted’ smart human you need to stop perpetuating this internalised abuse.
How?
The first step, as always, is awareness.
Start noticing the things you tell yourself on a daily basis.
Even better: start writing them down - in Episode 11 I give you some guidelines on how to do that.
Now to you they may seem normal adhortations - but when you see them on paper imagine saying them to a young child, or your best friend.
Does that make you uncomfortable?
Then you shouldn’t be saying them to yourself either.
The second step is acknowledging that this type of language is not character=building, but character-destroying.
It’s hurtful.
So once you’ve uncovered some nasty things you say to yourself on a regular basis, you want to try actually feeling that.
You’ve desensitised yourself to your own abuse - now we’re starting to re-sensitise you.
So when I say to myself something like:
‘I can’t believe you let this opportunity slide, you’ll never be successful this way.’
I will first imagine saying it to someone I love, and then notice the ‘ouch’.
And then I will say it to myself, and notice MY ouch.
This internalised critical voice is hurting me - and I want to acknowledge that.
And no, in case you’re worried, this will not turn you into a wimp who can’t take criticism, quite the contrary. It will help you build the capacity to RISK criticism and then gracefully receive it. And it will help you set boundaries around abusive talk, whether external or internal.
So you’ve found the sentence, you’ve felt the ouch - now what’s the next step?
Because you don’t want to leave yourself in that ‘ouch’.
This is where you start caring for yourself.
After the ouch, ask:
“What do I need right now? What will support me to move through this?”
Listen for the answer, and give yourself what you need.
Sometimes what you need is acceptance and some time to process your emotions.
Sometimes you may need support, and the courage to ask for it.
Sometimes you need to be seen - and sometimes you may need the opposite, to be alone.
Sometimes it may be something simple like a 10 minute break to go for a short walk and regroup.
This is the process: Uncover - Ouch - Ask - Resource.
So next time you’re asking yourself ‘what the hell is wrong with me?’, please pause.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
But maybe there is something you need.
Let’s break the cycle of internalised abuse.
You do not need to change into a better version - instead, you want to learn to listen to your own needs and start honouring them.
Have a wonderful week,
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Ready to start using more of that amazing smart mind of yours? I can help. DM me on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com.
Thank you for listening to the Managing the Smart Mind Podcast, I love that at
the time of recording this, there are smart humans listening in 89 countries! I really appreciate you - do send me any questions or requests for topics you have. And if you enjoy the podcast I’d love for you to give it a five-star review so other smart humans can find it - thank you!