It’s not your job to make other people feel OK all the time

“It is not your job to make other people feel OK all the time.”

Think that sounds a bit mean?

Then you have something in common with many of the smart, caring and kind entrepreneurs and executives I work with.

The need to make someone they care about who feels negative emotions feel ‘OK’ again.

Maybe you experience this too.

When someone’s upset, you want to make them feel better.

When someone’s frustrated, you want them to let it go.

When someone’s anxious, you want them to relax.

But here’s the thing:

It isn’t your job to make other people feel OK all the time.

To try and fix them when they’re sad, or angry, or have other negative emotions.

And if you make their emotions your responsibility, not only do you take all their agency away (not good), you also set yourself up for a lot of exhausting emotional management of other people. Which, as you may have noticed, often doesn’t work well anyway.

It can show up as tip-toeing around colleagues you think are having a hard time.

Bending yourself over backwards to make sure nobody gets upset or offended at the family reunion.

Or in not having difficult conversations with one of your employees because you’re afraid it will trigger their fear of failure.

The thing is, this ‘emotional caretaking’ hurts both you AND them.

You can’t be yourself - because you have to make sure THEY feel OK. Which is exhausting.

And they can’t be themselves, because YOU are not OK with them having negative emotions and are disempowering them by deciding for them that it needs to be fixed.

Everybody loses.

So what do you do instead?

Start noticing the urge to make someone’s pain go away.

Whether it’s your dad’s frustration about thunderstorms ruining the BBQ, your peer’s disappointment about not getting the client, your child’s anxiety about an exam - it doesn’t matter.

Notice your reaction to someone else’s upset and how you want it to stop so everybody gets to feel good again.

Next step, when you notice that desire to fix?

Don’t do it.

Do NOT start working on making their pain go away without their permission.

Instead, do something much more powerful: witness it.

Be with them, as they complain, vent, cry - whatever it is they need to do.

And be with yourself, as you feel the discomfort about how they feel.

And then, after having created that space, help them find their own solution if necessary.

For example, through asking: “What do you think you need right now?”

Fixing other people’s emotions is a hopeless task - managing your own is hard enough as is.

Give that a try this weekend, and notice the beautiful space that opens up for everyone to be themselves.

Have a wonderful weekend,

Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer