Stop being so hard on yourself - use kindness to help you grow

There’s probably something you’re trying to change about your life. 

Maybe you want more fun.

Maybe you want more money.

Maybe you want more fulfilment.  

So you diligently read books, watch TED talks, take all the online courses. 

Very smart. 

You try changing your habits. 

Very smart.

You set big goals.

Again, very smart. 

But. 

Big but.

If you are not achieving the goals, not changing your habits, not getting the results you want, these smart things can turn very ugly. 

Your quest for self-improvement can morph into self-flagellation because you’re not ‘there’ yet. 

If you’re a perfectionist overachiever (raises hand) then you are especially at a very high risk of using self improvement to beat yourself with your mental whip. 

To your brain this makes sense - you just need to try harder, right?

Nope. 

You’re actually traumatising yourself. 

Here’s how I want you to look at it. 

Picture a really sweet puppy (or a baby Alpaca if you’re not into dogs). 

You’re trying to teach your puppy to do something it finds hard or scary, like walk down the stairs, or not freak out when the postman approaches (I’m not sure Alpaca can climb stairs, but I think you get the idea). 

The postman approaches.

Your puppy starts to whimper.

What do you do? 

Do you shout ‘NO! The postman is NOT scary! Stop being such a whimp!’?

I’m guessing (and hoping) you’re not. 

You probably try to soothe it, and show it that the postman is not a puppy-killer, that it is quite safe and that they are not going to die. 

Yet when it comes to your own behaviour in the face of scary stuff, are you soothing your nervous system? 

Are you allowing it to calm down, to experience that it is actually OK to try whatever you’re wanting to learn or change, that you’re not going to die?

Or are you trying to beat it into submission? 

If you’re telling yourself things like:

‘I can’t believe I still haven’t done this.’

‘I should be over this.’

‘I should have figured this out by now.’

You’re basically kicking your inner puppy. 

And this is not just a nasty metaphor. 

You are actually terrorising your nervous system and making it harder to achieve your goals, instead of easier. 

This is your reminder that you are a human being, not a robot. 

You get to have negative thoughts and feelings (you don’t have to like it - I’m still working on that part too). 

Do not make yourself wrong for having them. 

Instead, validate yourself. 

Say things like ‘of course I’m scared, I’ve never done this before’. ‘Of course I don’t like that I haven’t figured this out yet.’ 

Be kind to the puppy. Stroke the Alpaca.

And then, but only then, can you start redirecting your brain to smart workarounds, other thoughts to think, new strategies. 

You don’t expect a terrified puppy or Alpaca to be very open to learning new things. 

You shouldn’t expect it of yourself either. 

So if you notice you’re getting stuck in the same patterns, or not (yet) achieving your goals, whatever they are, first:

Be kind. 

Allow the sucky thoughts. 

Feel the feels. 

Validate yourself. 

That’s the only way. 

And if you’d love some help untangling all that so that you can get unstuck, book an exploratory consult using this link:

 https://calendly.com/else-kramer/explore

Have a kind, compassionate weekend.

Else
a.k.a. Coach Kramer