Episode 51 - How to stop feeling guilty all the time
Do you often experience feelings of guilt?
Do you have a hard time setting boundaries and saying 'no' to people without feeling bad?
Then check out this Episode in which you'll learn
the difference between Real and Unreal Guilt
how to figure out which is which
how to find and change the underlying beliefs that lead to Unreal Guilt
Pervasive guilt undermines self-confidence, authenticity, joy - all the things that make it fun to be alive.
Use the steps in this Episode to become aware of it - and let go.
As we're approaching the first anniversary of the podcast I would love to answer ALL your questions about having a smart mind, managing it, and any other burning questions you may have in a special anniversary Episode.
You can submit your questions via this link:
Full Episode Text
Episode 51 - How to stop feeling guilty all the time
Welcome to this episode of the managing the smart mind podcast with Master Certified Coach Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
Hello smart human,
Do you have a hard time setting boundaries?
Do you feel like you’re trying to please other people all the time?
Then underneath this behaviour you may be experiencing what is called ‘pervasive guilt’. A feeling that you’re constantly letting down other people and yoursel.
And if you’re thinking ‘hey, just tell me how to set boundaries already’ don’t worry - that Episode is coming too.
But as I was preparing said episode on boundaries I realised there was something I needed to address first: and that is the guilt so many smart humans experience.
Guilt about being more succesful than other members of their family.
Guilt about being smart (I talked about this earlier in the episode on gifted guilt).
Guilt about not being interested in some people.
Guilt about not being the ‘perfect’ parent, partner, etc.
Guilt about not being able to plan or be ‘productive’ in a linear way.
So. Much. Guilt.
And the thing with guilt is that if you allow it to show up in lots of areas in your life, it can create side-effects like decreased self-worth, impostor syndrome, anxiety, rumination, loneliness, depression, etc.
This type of guilt is toxic, and not at all useful.
Now let’s first look at what guilt is - and what it isn’t.
I like to define guilt as:
The feeling that arises in your body when you compare what you did with what you think you SHOULD have done, and decide that you fall short.
I’ll repeat that, because it’s a lot to take in:
Guilt is the feeling that arises in your body when you compare what you did with what you think you SHOULD have done, and decide that you fall short.
So guilt is about your actions or inactions - and it may be useful to compare it to shame in this respect, which is more about who you ARE, your identity.
For example, you can feel guilty about drinking too much last Friday - and shame about being a person who drinks more than they want to.
Now most people distinguish two types of guilt - and this is a very important distinction to make.
Some call it rational vs. irrational guilt, others earned vs. unearned guilt.
I prefer to call it REAL vs. UNREAL guilt.
And the difference is this.
We absolutely WANT to feel guilty about some of our actions.
It can be a useful emotion.
For example, when I snap at my child, I want to feel bad about that, because that is out of alignment with my core values.
So in this case the guilt I feel is rational, or, in my preferred terminology, REAL.
But when I feel guilty about turning down an invitation to someone’s birthday party, that guilt is UNREAL.
Why?
Because it is NOT my core value to show up to everyone’s birthday party. And if you’re thinking ‘but what if your core value is to be there for your friends’ bear with me, we’ll dive into the nuances later.
So basically REAL guilt arises when you do something that is not aligned with your core values - and UNREAL guilt arises when you do something that is not aligned with how you think you SHOULD be, do, act.
Now I don’t want to spend too much time talking through what to do when you feel REAL guilt. Basically: if you can, you try to make amends and not do the same thing in the future. And there’s plenty of resources on this on the internet if this is something you’re struggling with.
It is the UNREAL guilt I want to focus on today.
The guilt we feel because we do, want, think, have things that don’t line up with the idealised image we have of ourselves.
When it comes to enjoying ourselves we even have a term for it, guilty pleasure, for the things we actually enjoy, but disapprove of.
We’re saying to ourselves “I enjoy this thing, but really shouldn’t.”
In the idealised picture of yourself you probably do NOT binge watch reality TV, read romance novels, play computer games, or whatever your ‘guilty pleasure’ is.
Instead of reading young adult fiction and massively enjoying it you think you should be reading serious stuff like Shakespeare or Plato or Foucault.
And the problem with doing this is that you are constantly undermining your own self-worth by saying ‘what I want, what I enjoy isn’t right.’ Ergo, I am not right.
This comparison and then falling short can show up in many areas of your life.
Health and fitness: I should exercise more, be fitter, etc.
Relationships: I should be a better lover, I should be the heart of the party, I should feel a deeper connection to this person, etc.
Wealth and finance: I shouldn’t want to make more money, I already have it so good. I shouldn’t be so much more succesful than my parents/siblings/etc. I should give more.
Productivity: I should get more done, work harder, be more focused, etc.
This is what I often hear my clients imply:
I shouldn’t make other people feel bad.
I shouldn’t rock the boat.
I shouldn’t be so lazy.
So many shoulds - and so much guilt for not living up to them.
And this is UNREAL guilt - because these shoulds, the idealised version you’re comparing yourself with, is impossible.
It’s a perfectionist fantasy.
If you have all these underlying shoulds, these impossible invisible rules for how you have to live your life running in the background, then you are going to feel an awful lot of guilt.
So you want to start separating the REAL from the UNREAL guilt - and here’s how:
Ask yourself what you’re feeling guilty about.
Check whether it is a breach of a core value.
If you’re not sure if something is a core value, imagine if it could be achieved in reality, or is more of a perfectionist fantasy. Hint: look for words like ‘always, never, etc.’
If it’s something you genuinely regret doing: make amends and figure out how to avoid doing it again.
If it arises from a should that isn’t realistic, start with noticing that.
Let go of the UNREAL guilt by accepting that you have set an impossible standard
Modify your perfectionistic underlying belief it into something more realistic.
I’ll give you an example of how that works.
I used to give all the humans time of day wherever I went - whether it was in my business, on the train: anybody who wanted to share their life story with me had my ear. This caused a lot of eye-rolling by husband, but at the time I believed that I had this as a core value:
All humans deserve my attention.
Just writing it down and reading it I can now see how completely impossible this iwas.
I mean, ALL the humans? I can’t even give 1.000 of them my undivided attention.
So how can I rewrite this UNREAL core value which creates UNREAL guilt if I don’t honour it?
I do love to open up to people I meet - if I have the time and energy.
So it would go something like this:
I want to be kind and compassionate towards people I meet - and interact with them in a way that feels good to me in the moment.
This way I get to set a standard that honours my human needs rather than working from some saintly fantasy.
If you feel like you should always be there for your friends or family (remember the birthday example earlier) how could you rewrite that?
It could go something like this:
I want to honour my friends’ needs in a way that doesn’t clash with my own.
I want to always be there for my children AND myself.
I want to dedicate x hours a week to supporting my parents.
And remember: YOU get to decide.
So this week, start unearthing your UNREAL beliefs.
Notice when guilt creeps up.
Figure out whether it’s real or unreal.
And, if necessary, change the underlying belief that causes it.
You cannot like ALL the humans - nor should you want to.
You cannot be an amazing lover ALL the time.
You cannot be productive 24/7.
You cannot be responsible for other people’s emotions.
But you CAN have thoughts and beliefs that empower you - so that you are lieft with much more energy to actualyl be a wonderful friend, parent, partner, human.
So that you can be a human being that thrives.
Have a wonderful week,
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Ready to start using more of that amazing smart mind of yours? I can help. DM me on LinkedIn, or Instagram to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com.
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